Networking for the Antisocial
人見知りのための人脈術
The invitation called it a "networking mixer," two words that, when combined, made Marcus want to lie down.
He had come only to be seen, having promised his manager he would "make an effort."
Making an effort, he decided, meant standing near the food and appearing thoughtful.
A mixer exists for one purpose: to force strangers to pretend they enjoy one another.
Armed with a warm glass of wine, Marcus scanned the room for an escape route.
There was none, the exits having been cleverly blocked by people holding business cards.
A man approached, hand already extended, to connect.
"So, what do you do?" he asked, the universal opening line of the professionally desperate.
Marcus briefly considered lying, just to see what would happen.
Deciding against it, he gave his real title, which caused the man's eyes to glaze over instantly.
Networking, in theory, exists to build relationships.
In practice, it exists to collect names one will never remember and cards one will never read.
Across the room, Priya stood frozen, clutching her drink like a life raft.
"I don't know how to do this," she confessed when Marcus rescued her.
"Nobody does," he said. "That's the secret nobody tells you."
To survive a mixer, he explained, one need only master three simple phrases.
"'That's ,' 'We should grab coffee,' and 'Sorry, I see someone I have to catch.'"
Delivered correctly, those words could carry you safely through any evening.
A woman interrupted them, thrilled to have "finally found the creative team."
She spoke for six minutes without pausing, apparently regarding breathing as optional.
Marcus nodded along, having long ago mastered the art of listening while thinking about nothing.
When she left, satisfied, she had not learned a single thing about either of them.
"That," said Marcus, "was a successful networking interaction. Nobody connected, and everyone felt great."
Priya laughed for the first time all evening, finally relaxing.
"Same time next month?" she asked, and Marcus, to his own quiet horror, realised he might actually come.