Points of Order
議事進行に関する動議
It has often been observed that when people no longer wish to be blamed for anything, they take refuge in procedure.
The Heritage Committee took refuge as one might take to the hills.
A special meeting was convened, notices were circulated, and apologies were received from Mr Thorne, who was not ill but wished it to be understood that he might have been.
"It has been decided," Miss Featherstone read from the agenda, in the passive voice that all committees adopt when nobody can be found to admit having decided anything, "that the matter shall be settled by formal motion."
"Point of order, Chair," said Mr Binks, before she had finished the sentence.
"The point is noted," she replied, noting nothing.
"It is felt in some quarters," Binks went on, the quarters being entirely his own, "that the previous minutes were not properly adopted."
"Mistakes were made," conceded Miss Featherstone, in the immortal phrase by which responsibility is acknowledged and simultaneously assigned to no one.
"It would be regretted," she added, "were we to reopen them."
Regret, in the language of committees, is a threat wearing a cardigan.
Mrs Crumb rose to a point of information, which turned out to contain neither.
"It has come to my attention," she said, a phrase implying vast intelligence networks rather than idle gossip at the greengrocer's, "that certain members have been ."
"," repeated Binks, as though the word itself required decontamination.
"It is not for me to name names," said Mrs Crumb, who then named two.
A point of order was raised against the point of information, which prompted a point of , which nobody could clarify.
Deirdre's pen, tasked with recording all of this, developed a small tremor of despair.
"For the record," said Binks, a phrase that guarantees the ensuing remark is entirely for his own benefit, "I wish my to be noted."
"Your has been noted," said Miss Featherstone, "as have all your previous objections, which now form a document of considerable length and no purpose."
It was moved that the motion be tabled; it was then moved that the tabling be itself tabled.
At this point the committee achieved a state of pure procedure, in which no actual subject could be said to exist at all.
"May I ask," ventured Deirdre faintly, "what we are voting on?"
A hush fell, for it emerged that nobody was entirely sure.
"It is understood," said Miss Featherstone at last, rescuing the situation with a masterpiece of , "that we are voting on whether to proceed."
"Proceed with what?" asked Mrs Crumb.
"With proceeding," said Miss Featherstone firmly, and the matter was carried , since no one dared admit to not knowing what it was.
Thus the bench, unmentioned throughout the entire meeting, moved not one inch closer to its plaque.
It was resolved that a further meeting would be required, a conclusion that was, for once, beyond all reasonable dispute.
As the hall emptied, Deirdre looked down at her minutes and realised, with a quiet chill, that she would have to write down what had just occurred.